I’m not fat. There I said it, I should feel better about myself, right? Size is just a number. Right? Come on you know it’s true, size, weight and all that jazz is just a BS figure on the scale. That’s what we tell ourselves to make us feel better.
I’m obese, my medical BMI is 42.0. I’m 335 pounds. As Penn Jillette would say, I’m a “fat fuck”. I’m tired of being a “fat fuck” or as my wife prefers a “big guy”.
I’m an audiobook guy. I’m in love with Audible, she is very wonderful service to have, she reads to me every day, all day. About two weeks ago, I was bored, and she suggested Presto, a book by Penn Jillette about how he lost 100 pounds. I was bored, lazy and waiting for someone so I bought the book. Oh my gosh, the language is obscene, but the author is hilarious and entertaining. I could not put the book down. It made me want to toss the skinny white peppermint mocha and bananas in the trash…
Basically, Penn is a obese guy like me, well he was, he was 330 pounds at his highest. He went to the hospital for heart issues and nearly died. On a fist full of pills to keep his blood pressure less than the voltage of an outlet in Europe he embarked on a crazy, all in diet consisting of potatoes for two weeks. I like his style, he’s an all or nothing guy like me. Either give me the steak, the ice cream and the sides or give me nothing. I want to eat big; I want to live big. Moderation is bullshit as Penn would say, I would agree! I don’t do anything in moderation. If I’m going to do something, it’s all-in baby. When in Vegas last summer, I was the dipshit who went all in with a pair of kings in my hand and straight on the table; that’s me baby, not the smartest guy but hey I like to live it big.
I don’t do keto, I don’t do paleo, but when I do diet, I go really big, I go to Costco and literally buy everything I need to be successful on that plan, I research, I plan. It’s just like thanksgiving this year; I researched, I planned, I went to Costco and planned out each and every ingredient. I was diligent. Every doctor, health coach and fitness instructor has told me that my relationship with food is fucked up. Well, not fucked up, but bad; unhealthy. As Penn would say your life sucks if you’re taking diet advice from a Las Vegas Magician, well, Penn, my life does suck. I can’t breathe outside very well, hell, I get windy walking to the park. I’m an obese guy, I have a CPAP machine, I’m 335 pounds, I can barely do the things I want to do, basic stuff; sleep and wake rested, eat and not feel sick, go for a walk and not get winded. I’m half Penn’s age and his same weight… It’s time for a change.
The plan according to Penn’s buddy, Cray Ray, aka “Ray Cronise” is to do the following:
- Eat nothing but potatoes for two weeks. Boiled, baked, steamed, roasted; does not matter, just no salt, oil, or sugar. Plain, nothing added, no salt, no butter, no pepper, no olive oil, just a plain, boring potato. Sweet, red, yellow, gold, purple, do not be a racist pig about potatoes, eat the potato rainbow, but just potatoes. Feel free to pig out on potatoes; just no fries or chips, that’s the beautiful potato ruined by Americans
- Contrast showers: Humans have conquered winter & cold. Therefore, in order to get back to the biologically true lifestyle we’ve grown as a species as, we need to bring back the cold. Turn down the thermostat and cycle 10 seconds hot; 30 seconds cold showers for 5 minutes. It’s brutal but the time goes by shockingly fast
- After two weeks on potatoes, you go to a plant based, vegan lifestyle until you hit your target weight
One big thing with CrayRay and Penn is the need for a scale, the smartass of scales. On an impluse I plopped down $100 for the Withings Body + scale. It’s been 10 days! 10 DAYS!!! I’m 326.4, on day 2 of the plan. In 10 days, 1 of which involving nothing but potatoes, I’ve lost 9 pounds. This is AMAZING.
On day 1, it’s black Friday, or sucker day of the year. Everyone piles in their car after a Thanksgiving Day hang over consisting of pie and turkey, to go buy more stuff to stuff into their garage in six months. It’s all American in style and glory. What am I do? Well, shopping for TVs on Amazon like every other fat guy scared out of his mind of COVID-19. I’m sitting on my couch waiting for the oven, 350 degrees for 45 minutes, to produce 9 potatoes. That’s right 9 potatoes, or about 1000 ish calories. Once done cooking, I scarf down one single sweet potato. It’s sweet (no shit sherlock), delicious and surprisingly moist. I like it, I chase it with 4 tiny petite potatoes and some black coffee. This diet is sure boring.
Lunch time rolls around and I make some food for the kiddo and thanksgiving dinner for lunch for the wife. What do I have? If you guessed potatoes, you’d win the prize! I had 2 potatoes, a red and white. It was bland, boring and good.
A car ride nap, so more black coffee and about 2 liters of water later, we’re sitting down to dinner. I made peanut noodles for the wife, mac and cheese with some TG leftovers for the baby. I have 3 more potatoes, a gold, a red and a sweet potato. 2 potatoes into the meal, I’m stuffed. STUFFED ON TWO POTATOES?!?!??! Yeah, I save the sweet potato for dessert and decide to count my potatoes.
A few days ago, while prepping for thanksgiving, I bought 10 pounds of potatoes. I thought that was a LOT of potatoes, but when I counted it out I had around 20 potatoes left. That’s enough to feed a family a four a potato a night for a week, but for a guy living on potatoes? It’s more like two days if I’m lucky, so I head to Costco.
I love Costco. Everything there is a deal, no matter what the idiots on Life Hacker tell you. I love their steak, their fruit and yes, I love their clothes and bedding. But potatoes, that’s where you really make off like bandits. The potatoes were on sale today too.
I knew to continue the diet I needed to account for 14 days of potatoes, less today and the 1.5 I had in revere; thus, I knew I need about 12 (rounding up) days of potatoes. I’m supposed to be on a calorie restricted diet of 1800 or less per day, which is helping, but to get 1800 calories a day eating just potatoes, I’d need to consume 5 POUNDS of potatoes. That’s right, every day on this thing to hit target calorie intake I’d need 5 POUNDS!?!?!? So, with 12 days needed to be shopped, a total of 60 pounds of potatoes, I headed to Costco.
Costco has nice potatoes
|Potato Type||Per Unit Cost||Units||Total Cost|
|Creamer Potatoes||$3.99 / 5 lb||4||$16|
|Organic Sweet Potatos||$6.99 / 6.5 lbs||2||$14|
|Russet Potatoes||$7 / 15 lbs||1||$7|
|Gold Potatoes||$6 / 10 lbs||2||$12|
68 pounds of potatoes for a whopping $49!
Here’s what my shopping chart looked like:
That’s a lot of potatoes! The berries are for my son, Luke, for him to eat with yogurt and breakfast for the next two weeks. Not pictured is the bottles of the sparkling water I got to enhance my diet this week.
Before shots and stats
If you don’t want to see me shirtless, it’s time to close the page. My starting stats on 11/20/2020 are: 335 LBS, but the offical, diet starting stats are: 333.4 lbs, BMI of 41.7. I’ll be updating this blog with progress, but here’s to my weightloss and success.
I’m off to eat more potatoes!